Smile Princess: Venting

I seriously need to be numb...i can't sleep. i can't function. i feel suffocated. There is so much rushing through me right now. I think i broke myself. the meaning of life questions i had to do for AP English Lit has had me thinking and has had me in a depressed mood. the question is:
For what purpose do I exist?
In my response i explained that i think i am meant to help others. I am meant to live my life for those around me and i am meant to do something to help the greater good. I was created for a reason. The reason is to touch people's lives, save lives. Thus psychology is my chosen field of study. I can save others from themselves.
But if i am meant to live for others...that seems wrong.
I was watching TFC a few nights ago and there is a show about this little boy who has a special relationship with God. Because of this relationship he is very compassionate and though he is very young he helps people with grown up issues. He is loved by the people he helps.
A priest asked the question: why is it that this little boy helps everyone around him and makes everyone's lives better yet his issues cannot be resolved.
I said once that without suffering how would we know paradise. I feel like i am facing a test right now and that i am failing. In my journal i have been reading over my progressive dive into unhappy thoughts. Every time i write a new entry new feelings pop out. New confusions add to the old.
My heart is heavy with something. It's like there is lead in my heart and it is weighing it down. Now that there is 9 days of school left a lot has got me thinking and reminiscing. I look back on everything and cry. Right now my chest is hurting a lot and my heart feels like it is about to explode. It doesn't seem normal.
The closer i get to the end of high school the more i seem to be losing. Friends i used to love don't love me anymore. Things i used to care for don't matter to me much. I feel alone. I feel like someone has stabbed me in the heart and slit my throat just to make sure i die from these emotions. All the doors and windows are closing and there is no oxygen left in the room.
I think i have forgotten how to trust people. I think i have forgotten how to forgive people. I think i have forgotten how to let people in. I want to wake up one morning to someone calling or coming over just to say that the world has not forgotten me and that someone still cares. I don't care who, it could be anyone at this point...just to prove that kindness is still in the world. I want a friend, an enemy, a stranger, someone who will not get tired of me and my emotions to come along and tell me that though they don't fully understand what is going on they want to listen and help and cry with me and comfort me.
I honestly wish i didn't care so much about people. that way i dont feel anything. i wish i could be numb to the world. I wish there was something i could do so that i could be heartless. I wish there was a way for me to just never feel another emotion again. I wish there was a way for me to be completely heartless. no one would notice or care anyway.