simply bored

hmmm...today is friday. there is a football game tonight. yesterday was kuya reindeers b-day. i just got my id pic. next week i have to get my permit. i am bored. i am nervous. tomorrow is marc's goodbye party. how depressing. those were all telegraphic sentences! hehe. well yea so i have to go home today and make myself look nice for the football game and i have to take pix of the band and whatever else i can get. tomorrow i have to look nice again because there is a party and i have to say goodbye to people tomorrow. next week kuya is going to leave on the 19th. then it is jeniffers b-day on the 20th. i am one busy person. idk what we are planning to do for jen jen's b-day. idk who is going to go. i doubt one person is going. cuz you know that person always has excuses. oh and then there is that festival on sunday. so i guess last night i had a lot on my mind. interesting how weird i get when i am hurt...well i will write back here tomorrow if anything good comes up. hahaha

Smile Princess is Confoosed...

i have been thinking a lot about religion. it's such an interesting subject. no one can really talk freely about it for fear of offending others. idk what my religion is anymore. my mom tells me to read the Bible but i don't want to. i believe that all those lessons we are supposed to read about i can learn through life. i can learn suffering, glory, humbleness, greed, passion and honesty. i can do it all because i believe that i am here doing what i do by the grace of God. I am here living and breathing and singing and learning because He meant me to be here. Religion is like a clique. And when clique's get into fights then people get hurt and i don't think that is right. my friend showed me that Catholicism is scary. she has ditched all her friends from school including me for it. She insulted me right to my face. She said she can't have fun with me and the rest of my friends because we are different from her prayer meeting friends. so that means me and my friends are inadequate and not worth it because we don't believe as she does...i dont think that is really fair. it kind of hurts to think about it that way. i can't look at it any other way because it makes no sense why she left us. maybe she does not realized how much she has hurt me and others but she has. do to others what you would want done to you. she hurt us so does she want us to hurt her? of course not. she wants us to be nice while she stabs us in the heart...
I have been thinking about my family a lot too. it's just me and my mom...lately my mom has not been coming home and it hurts...i feel abandoned, alone and scarred. my mom is all i have yet she is never around. she is not around for my break downs when everything is boiling over. she is not around when i am happy about a new song i learned. she is not around when i need her. i feel all wrong inside. i know that she is never home because she has to work and that she is doing it for me but i wish she would do less so that she can be home more often.
I am still having issues with my cousin. No one really knows the full story of what is going on inside me. i am so confused by how i feel. should i be ashamed, hurt, scared. i dont feel any of that because i love my cousin. he is my cousin after all. it is not fair. i want to be mad and i want to hate him but i cant because he is my cousin. i doubt i will ever tell anyone what is really going on with me but maybe one day i will be strong enough to do so. hahah. how fun. being so alone when there are so many people around. is it normal. i guess i am ranting right now about my issues. but a lot is going through my mind. it is all swirling around and it is interesting to see all my thoughts in such a blurr when i am the person who has to have everything organized or i go insane.
school is not really an issue anymore. well...when has it ever been right? i have always had an easy time in school and i guess i was hoping for more of a challenge my senior year.
i can talk about choir for hours. i love it! it is so much fun. i finally get to do what i really love. and that is sing. i love singing and i love to challenge my voice to do better. there is not limit to how good i can get so i guess that is why i love it. it is a never ending challenge. right now we are working on christmas music. we have just finished going through carol of the bells and now we are working on ding dong merrily on high. it is such a nice song. we got it down pretty fast but i think we still need work. i guess it is the one class where i can be myself. it is again because no one i know is there except bunny, jesus and destiny and even they dont know who i really am. but is is nice to just keep quiet for a an hour and just sing. it is better. i have never really liked conversing with people anyway. i would rather sing and do art. after all i am and intellectually, artistically, athletically gifted person. and it is always fun to tell people that because it means i am a nerd, artist and jock all at the same time!
I have set a bunch of goals for myself and i am planning on pulling through and succeeding. i have to do better so i can get into college. i have been wondering about love lately. i wonder when i will find love again. i mean it has been about 2 years since my ex hurt me but all i can really do now a days is look. i can't talk to people and tell them how i really feel. i always plan to but it never pulls through because i dont want to get hurt. i even wonder if i will ever get a happy ending. i sort of doubt it because i am so alone right now but hey, people always say: there is always a silver lining. but what if i am that one person who does not have that silver lining in the clouds....how lonely would that be...i guess it could be worse. i could be hurt on a constant basis, have no friends and be talentless...i want to fall in love...i guess i have to just sit tight and wait...

Smile Princess is....hmmmm

Ok so i guess everything is back to normal...sorta...but i am still not ok with everything that has gone on. i don't trust the same people anymore. i dont know how to look at certain people. one person and i think you know who that is, just offended me and our friends. i am so grr. idc. no one is who they seem. no one gets what it's like to be me. this blog was once shared by two people n now it is myn. we titled this blog ONCE UPON A TIME... and it is true. this story was once upon a time. and there is no hope of getting that story back. depressing huh. so now i am just concentrating on myself. i really don't listen to those around me. i seem like i do though. i doubt anyone will ever be able to tell that i have changed so drastically. funny huh. hahah. not relaly. so i have set goals for myself and i have a to do list. that is all that i will worry about from now on. no one else matters at the moment. no one cares enough to matter. idk. i guess you could say i am not having a good time right now. the only thing i am really enjoying is choir. because every1 there is new to me. i don't have to talk to any of them and i dont have to trust them. if one of my "friends" were in that class i probably wouldn't be having as much fun. hahahahah. i really like to sing. i have a talent for music and i have always known that. there is so much crap going on and i know that music will never change. art will never change. it will always be my outlet. when i write stories and when i sing and when i draw it is all me. my emotions my ideas, my life pouring out. that is what it is all about. sometimes what comes out is scary but i know that i have to face my emotions. i have to face it and the only way for me to face it is to let it out. and i do that a lot now. i will write back here when i get home.

Goodbye Crazy Princess

ok wow. i got through the first week of schoo. my classes are still messed up and guzman should just get fired. i hate her. she is gay! my group is completely crazy. i dont know what to do with them. cherry is my besty right now. she knows me and i can really trust her. diva s still diva. she dont know that i got problems with her and her lies but i do. roseann is kinda being a bitch and amy is still cool. crazy is crazy. she is full of it. i'm really starting to get pissed with her. i thought that she would be one of my friends that were not face and i could count on her but i can't. today she made plans with me. she said that me n her would go out today and watch a very special love but she ditched me as usual. she is not a good friend. i hate her right now. plus the fact that i have to c her tomorrow. tomorrow i might have to c her 2nd period and 4th and 6th and 7th. i dont think i can deal with it. i think i will just have to treat her like diva. i wont tell her that she is a bitch to her face but she is. she can have fun with her stupid lil prayer meeting but i dont give a f**k it is not my problem. crazy princess is a lier and she don't know wuts up. now that she has pissed me off she can just stay with her lil prayer meeting losers. not my issue. i have my friends at skool. i can't believe that i trusted her. i really thought that i found a friend who was not plastik and who was real with me but i was oh so wrong. i am planning to write a song about her. i have been writing songs a lot lately. especially about how i feel. lately it's been about ice. a lot of it has been about how i feel now that he is leaving. well now that he is gone. it really sucks. i am kinda heart broken. but oh well. i can deal because he promised that he would come to my important dates. like choir shows and all that fun stuff. i think im still goin prom with him. idk right now and idc. so my next few songs will be about crazy princess n how she is not a good friend. she thinks wut she is doing is ok but it is not. she is really hurting us all and it's not cool. im so sick of her stupid prayer meeting shit. i know she loves her religion but damn wut she is doing is messed up. she is like a back stabber now. she's lying to our faces and causing issues in our crew. screw her. i am so pissed of.
ok so high school is fun. senior year is kick back. it is kinda stressful but i can deal. my classes are still funky but i will get it fixed. so i guess i got it all out today. sorta. my comp at home is being mean and so i am at my aunts house. so i will write back here when i have a good thing to talk about. i think. most of the drama should be gone soon n everything should go back to normal. except with crazy princess. she is too far gone with our crew. screw her and all her lies!!!!!!! GRRRR!!!!! i now disown crazy princess from our sworn family.