Smile Princess Numb

Friendship....what is it about. idk anymore. I always believed friendship meant not hiding important things from one another. I though friendship meant trust and loyalty. But I can't seem to believe in that anymore because my two best friends are rotten. How do I believe a girl who has been my friend for 7 years and now she is flirting with the boy I have cared about and loved for 7 years. How do i believe a girl who became my best friend 1.5 years ago and now has stabbed me in the heart. I didn't know that this is what friendship is all about. Now that I know how rotten my friends are I am ready to move to Boston. After I came back from my trip I decided that yes, I loved Boston but I love my friends too much to leave them. Now things have changed. Nothing is really keeping me here in Cali. I guess my prince is keeping me here but if I go to Boston I will forget about my life here. All I will ever come back for is my family. My so called friends wont exist to me after I move. There is so much ahead of me and I was going to stay for those loser friends of mine. I am, No, I WAS so stupid. Now it doesn't really matter where I go. I could go to Boston or go to UCI and no matter what I will forget about my hs friends. They are all the same. I can't trust them. They are all immature. I grew up after sophomore year. I found out how bad life could be. But the friends I have don't understand that if you are immature you make bad decisions and when you do that it could cause deadly consequences.
I have been thinking about my happiness. I don't know where it is anymore. I used to be so happy and care free. Now all I see and know is hardship and pain. Now I am a grown up. Fairies and magic no longer exist in my world. No, that is wrong. I still believe in magic and miracles and all of that stuff. It's hard not to believe in those things because if I can't believe in that then it means I have lost all traces of my innocence. But I guess I lost that 7 years ago. I lost a lot 7 years ago...
I changed. Two years ago when I lost my heart I changed. I am afraid to be hurt and thus I run from love. I watched a filipino movie today and the lead girl was sort of the same as me. She saw how love ruined her mom and caused her mother pain. I have seen how love can end a life. Because of love my mother lost her future. She ended up with me. The girl in the movie, Abby, was used to seeing her close friends and family hurt by love and I am used to that too. I have been hurt by love. I honestly believe in happy endings but I don't believe in a happy ending for me. There is no story for me. No one will ever close the book of my life with the worlds "and they lived happily ever after." I am just being realistic. That is how my life is planned out for me. It is how I will live because I caused suffering for my mother, I was hurt by someone very close to me and every time I have fallen for someone I have fallen into pain. I guess the falling part wasn't the painful part. It is quite nice to fall for someone but it is the landing that hurts.
Every time I have fallen hard or lost a piece of me I should have died. All the pain I have felt I have felt in life should have killed me by now. I should have died of a broken heart. When I lived in LA I should have been run over by that car but something pulled me back. I don't know what it was but someone somewhere wanted me alive. But I don't believe they wanted me alive for a good future. I was born to suffer. There is nothing out there for me. All I have in my life is my brain and my ambition. Those two things will get me through life but that is all people will see in me. They will never see inside of me. I know the reason why too. It is because people don't want to see inside of me. People fear what they will find. Because all they will find is a broken girl. A girl who was broken the day her father walked out the door. Broken the day her adoptive parents left her. Broken since the day her grandmother's died. Broken since the day her cousin moved here. Broken since the day she moved to this place. Broken since the day a boy took my heart and ripped it to pieces in front of me. Broken since the day my friend was murdered. Broken since the day her best friends turned into people she does not know. Broken this very moment because I was a mistake. My life is a mistake and I know it. I was broken the day I was born.
I want to fall in love. I am scared. I am scared of what love will do to me this time. But in the movie I was watching the girls father said something that touched me. He said that no one on this earth will be able to avoid being hurt and the people that try are the ones in the most pain. Her mother said something as well that touched me. Her mother asked why is it that the man she loved left her and yet he is happy while she is miserable. Even after all the time that has passed she is still in pain. Those parents touched my heart. Because I avoid love and till this day, even after 2 Years I am suffering. I am suffering, not of a broken heart, but of a broken soul. I want to be happy again and I want to fall in love. The song Will I Ever by Lyfe Jennings is a song that hits a soft spot in me right now. Because the song is how i feel now. Will I ever fall in love? Will I ever have someone beside me who will accept me, faults and all? Will I ever find that person for me? Or will I be alone forever? Will someone see the wall blocking the world from me and break it down just to see what is there? Because I think that is the problem. I don't believe I am worth loving. I don't believe in myself. I lack self confidence. It is like I am no human. I have a wall that keeps the world out and keeps me in. But I haven't found anyone that is willing to take a chance on me. I haven't found anyone who is willing to break through that wall and save me from my self confinement. That is all I am doing anyway. Putting myself in my own little world and blocking the rest out....It's funny how I know what is wrong with me and how I want to change but I wont change. Because if people can't accept me as I am than how do I know they will accept me when I am all better. There is that one quote that fits how I feel. If you can't accept me at my worst than you don't deserve me at my best.

Smile Princess' Ending?

Wow...Time has changed me so much. Back then I trusted the world with all my heart. I trusted people even when people said not to. I believed in dreams n magic. I believed in Disney's version of a happy ending. You know, cute prince takes me away from my miserable life and we live happily ever after. But real life is really different. Reality sucks. There is no fairytale happy ending. There is no soul mate. There is no perfection. It may seem like perfection at the start but things begin to change. Time takes its toll on a persons perception of the world and as my psychology teacher says: Perception determines reality. And I agree. If you perceive the world as a Disney movie you will not see evil. You will believe the boy you are with is your fairytale ending and that the evil queen will just disappear. But if you perceive the world in a negative way then you see all the evils in the world and you are constantly in pain over the imperfections of the world.

You could say that i am in neither one of those extremes. I am in the middle. I want to believe in a Fairytale ending but I understand that it is not going to happen. I want to believe that bibbity bobbity boo will take away my problems but life has taught me that it doesn't work that way. The Fairy Godmother is not going to magically appear and take away my issues and take me to a perfect world. I want to believe in the magic of love...but I have been hurt so many times that love does not hold the same meanings anymore. Humans are shallow. Love is only a material thing to humans. You love one person today and replace them tomorrow for a better model. And that is what makes life so sucky.

The way I see my life is weird. I feel so inadequate yet I feel as if i have done all that I can to be the best me. Lately i have just been working on my creativity. That is what I use to vent. Music and writing my own songs makes me feel better. Singing heals my soul. Drawing helps me see things in a different point of view. Dreaming helps me hope for a better tomorrow. It seems so innocent when I think about how I am living right now but that is all I have now. College is looming ahead of me and the pressure is starting to make my head explode. I understand that if I do not get my life back together I will soon watch myself fall apart.

I have actually been listening to this song called Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K. It really catches what I am feeling lately. I hate the person I have become. I hate the way I have looked at things in the past. I know that it has taken me a long time to figure out how different I have become but hey, better late than never right. I know that I have to change. I do not want to go back into my depression. I don't want to think of how abused and abandoned I feel. I don't want to remember all the people in my life that have used me for their personal gain. I want a new beginning. A fresh start. But you know what. Life is like a story. Too bad I am writing in pen and I can't erase all my mistakes.

I read a quote like that once and it made sense to me. That is the way every one's life is. We are all writing our story in our own history books but the difference is that in history books things are altered to make someone look good. The history book we are making has no revisions and we can't edit it to make ourselves look better. Whatever we do is set into the book. We may be able to change our attitude in the future but what happened in the past is just that. the past.

Here's a few quotes that caught my eye as I was browsing around online:

• I should have known That the moment you said, "Hello." Was the moment my heart started breaking.


• I feel like as if I don't really exist


• A friend is like a teddy bear; you hug it and cry to it when you're sad you talk to it when you feel alone! it doesn't matter what color, size or condition its in, it's there for you no matter what.


• Let me explain to you, she's the only one who ever stayed true...So if you've got a problem with her... than I fuckin hate you too!


• Years from now I won't remember every Saturday night. Or the things that made us laugh so hard we cried. But...I will always remember that you were the ones who were there


• I'll always be beside you until the very end, Wiping all you tears away, being your best friend. I'll smile when you smile & feel all the pain you do, And if you cry a single tear, I promise I'll cry too


• You don't go to high school to find your husband You go so you can find your BRIDESMAIDS


• We're sugar and spice
  Everything nice
  Before you mess with us
  You best think twice
  You talk it... We live it
  You jealous, admit it!
  My girls... Oh I love 'em!
  Place nothing above 'em


• When you're sad, I will will you drunk and help you plot revenge.When you're blue, I'll dislodge what's choking you.When you smile, I realize you finally got some.When you're scared, I'll rag you every chance I get.When you're worried, I'll tell you how much worse it could be so quit whining.When you're confused, I'll use tiny words to explain things to youWhen you're sick, stay far away from me...nah, I'm jk, I'll take care of you.When you fall, I'll point and laugh at you and try to trip you again.This is my oath, my pledge, until the very end. Why you may ask?Simply because you're my best friend


• Everyone says put you girls before guys...They say that girls will love you forever and boys will play you like toys, but what about girls backstabbing, jealousy and lies? When I need a real friend ship, I turn to my guys!


• Truth is what we hold, bonds are what we make, futures are what we mold, laughs are what we create, no matter how far... friends is what we are


• We always thought we'd look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought we'd look back on our laughter and cry


• Smiles And Tears, Giggles And Laughs. Late Night Calls And Cute Photographs. I'll Be There For U Till Da Day Of My Death. Best Friends Forever Till My Very Last Breath


• Though miles may lie between us, we're never far apart, for friendship doesn't count the miles, it's measured by the heart


• Life takes your dreams and turns them upside down
  Friends talk about you when your not around
  People make promises they just cant keep
  I've come to realize... talk is cheap


• People act all nice and then turn around and talk shit...So as for trusting people...fuck it I quit


• Get out the picture, blow off the dust Take off the frame, its starting to rust Remember the times that we had together What happened to being best friends forever?


• I was the one who said things changed; you were the one who proved it


• All of my friends, they're not my friends.Knife in the back, felt it again.Used to fit in, now I don't belong.What did I do? Was it so wrong?


• With memories that linger and wont seem to go away...Why cant I be happier? Today's a brand new day...The hurt I'm feeling now wont disappear over night but someway... Somehow... Everything will turn out alright


• I ran into someone the other day and we started to talk. Somehow the conversation mentioned your name and they asked me if I knew you. Looking away I though of all the times we had together and then how, without an explanation, you were gone. I looked to where they were waiting for an answer and said "once ... or I thought I did..."


• Sometimes I feel like the last cookie in the cookie jar- broken and alone


• It's really scary how you can grow apart from some friends, when it seems that just a few moments ago they were the most important people in your life


• Goodbyes make you think, they make you realize what you've had,what you've lost, and what you've taken for granted


• I've learned that good-byes will always hurt, pictures never replace having been there,
  memories good or bad will bring tears; and words can never replace feelings


• Before you judge me, take a good look at youDon’t you have anything better to do?
  Seems to me you're a little slow to understandIgnorance and jealousy go hand in hand...


• I don't hate or despise youI call you a bitch because it DESCRIBES you


• You have enemies? Good, that means you've stood up for something at least once in your life


• Faces of old and faces of new. People we know and people we knew.
  Growing together then drifting apart. Always an ending and now a new start.
  At graduation we all grow nearer, and all of our friends seem to much dearer.
  And as we say our final goodbye, one last embrace and one more cry.
  A "keep in touch" and a "promise I will," a "remember when"
  but, better still; a place in my heart, you'll always stay.
  This is what's said as we go our own way


• As we walk across this stage, we start a new chapterNever forget the good times of joy & laughterNew memories to be made, a new life to beginNever forget this day, we all grew within


• Through four years of school, you think somewhere along the line they would've taught us how to say goodbye


• Graduation is the day I will not say goodbye, Graduation is the day I turn away and cry, All these years together have drifted by too fast, Please don't forget anyone that doesn't belong in your past, Keep them all in your future, still there holding on, Keep them all near your heart, where they're never gone


• When hope fails...Fate steps in...


• Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them, and sometimes, it's those memories that give us the strength to go on


• To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.


• No smile is more beautiful than the one that struggles through tears


• There's a smile on my face but I don't know why its there I put it on to satisfy all the people that don't even care


• The past may hurt, but you can either run from it...Or learn from it, the choice is up to you


• The loneliest feeling in the world is to be crying and no one is there for you


• I feel oh-so-forgotten, so betrayed and so alone, without a trace of forgiveness, and no soul to call my own


• So sorry for the person I became.So sorry that it took so long for me to change.I'm ready to try and never become that way againCause who I am hates who I've been


• I’m mad at myself, not at you. I’m mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do...


• I can't handle all this painall we ever do is fight anywaywhy we even tried, I haven't got a cluewith hearts involved..there's way too much to lose


• If you don't know, then ask me. If you don't agree, then argue with me. If you don't like, then say it to me. But don't keep silent and judge me.


• You haven't felt pain until you can't feel it anymore


• If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it, If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place


• The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese


• Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic

Smile Princess Can't Smile

Hmm...I haven't been on in a while. I guess school started n i got really busy with all the stress, drama, n all the other stuff in between. School has been ok. I have been falling behind recently. I guess it is because of those few days I had to get out of school to do the choir stuff. Lame excuse I know but oh well. I am catching up to my class so I guess I am getting back on track. The holidays were fun. Lots of gifts n laughter. I wish it were still the holidays. Then I don't have to stress as much as I do now. Life has been a big drama story since school started. I am not happy about it.
It's like I am always on my toes. I always have to watch out for something but I don't know what it is. It sux a lot...I don't really know who my real friends are anymore. A few nights ago I just broke down n cried till I fell asleep. I couldn't help it. All I thought about is all the pressure of my fake friends, school, choir, yearbook, badminton, mom, college. It is coming at me from all sides and I really don't know what to do.
Lately I have only been relying on myself. That is all i have really. I have home issues that no one knows about. Me n that other someone know about it but that is all. Me n him have really big issues between us. I wish me n him could go back to seven years ago when we loved each other a lot. We were friends. He was like my big brother. We talked all night n we played games together. He used to defend me when I felt bad...That is all gone now. Sux. Now it's always fighting, yelling, not talking.
My friend's aren't who they used to be. sux....I dont really know who to trust anymore. I used to be able to trust Em but not no more. she is just like her parents now. Her paren't dont want her hanging around me n the rest of our friends because we are not part of her little prayer meeting cult....bullshit! gah! I thought Em would be different. But she is not. Wutever. Screw it. I still have Reindeer n the rest of the older crew. When I am 18 I can kick it with them as much as I want. No one can tell me what to do. I will be going to college n I won't settle for sum stupid Cal State like Em n Diva. I am too good for that kind of school. I will go to UCI n I will get a great education n I will make something out of myself. I will get great friends at UCI n I will forget about High School. I will visit my High School for my real friends that I will have to leave behind like Yoshi, Penguin, Jen Jen, My Link Kids. Gah! I need to Chill.