Smile Princess Numb

Friendship....what is it about. idk anymore. I always believed friendship meant not hiding important things from one another. I though friendship meant trust and loyalty. But I can't seem to believe in that anymore because my two best friends are rotten. How do I believe a girl who has been my friend for 7 years and now she is flirting with the boy I have cared about and loved for 7 years. How do i believe a girl who became my best friend 1.5 years ago and now has stabbed me in the heart. I didn't know that this is what friendship is all about. Now that I know how rotten my friends are I am ready to move to Boston. After I came back from my trip I decided that yes, I loved Boston but I love my friends too much to leave them. Now things have changed. Nothing is really keeping me here in Cali. I guess my prince is keeping me here but if I go to Boston I will forget about my life here. All I will ever come back for is my family. My so called friends wont exist to me after I move. There is so much ahead of me and I was going to stay for those loser friends of mine. I am, No, I WAS so stupid. Now it doesn't really matter where I go. I could go to Boston or go to UCI and no matter what I will forget about my hs friends. They are all the same. I can't trust them. They are all immature. I grew up after sophomore year. I found out how bad life could be. But the friends I have don't understand that if you are immature you make bad decisions and when you do that it could cause deadly consequences.
I have been thinking about my happiness. I don't know where it is anymore. I used to be so happy and care free. Now all I see and know is hardship and pain. Now I am a grown up. Fairies and magic no longer exist in my world. No, that is wrong. I still believe in magic and miracles and all of that stuff. It's hard not to believe in those things because if I can't believe in that then it means I have lost all traces of my innocence. But I guess I lost that 7 years ago. I lost a lot 7 years ago...
I changed. Two years ago when I lost my heart I changed. I am afraid to be hurt and thus I run from love. I watched a filipino movie today and the lead girl was sort of the same as me. She saw how love ruined her mom and caused her mother pain. I have seen how love can end a life. Because of love my mother lost her future. She ended up with me. The girl in the movie, Abby, was used to seeing her close friends and family hurt by love and I am used to that too. I have been hurt by love. I honestly believe in happy endings but I don't believe in a happy ending for me. There is no story for me. No one will ever close the book of my life with the worlds "and they lived happily ever after." I am just being realistic. That is how my life is planned out for me. It is how I will live because I caused suffering for my mother, I was hurt by someone very close to me and every time I have fallen for someone I have fallen into pain. I guess the falling part wasn't the painful part. It is quite nice to fall for someone but it is the landing that hurts.
Every time I have fallen hard or lost a piece of me I should have died. All the pain I have felt I have felt in life should have killed me by now. I should have died of a broken heart. When I lived in LA I should have been run over by that car but something pulled me back. I don't know what it was but someone somewhere wanted me alive. But I don't believe they wanted me alive for a good future. I was born to suffer. There is nothing out there for me. All I have in my life is my brain and my ambition. Those two things will get me through life but that is all people will see in me. They will never see inside of me. I know the reason why too. It is because people don't want to see inside of me. People fear what they will find. Because all they will find is a broken girl. A girl who was broken the day her father walked out the door. Broken the day her adoptive parents left her. Broken since the day her grandmother's died. Broken since the day her cousin moved here. Broken since the day she moved to this place. Broken since the day a boy took my heart and ripped it to pieces in front of me. Broken since the day my friend was murdered. Broken since the day her best friends turned into people she does not know. Broken this very moment because I was a mistake. My life is a mistake and I know it. I was broken the day I was born.
I want to fall in love. I am scared. I am scared of what love will do to me this time. But in the movie I was watching the girls father said something that touched me. He said that no one on this earth will be able to avoid being hurt and the people that try are the ones in the most pain. Her mother said something as well that touched me. Her mother asked why is it that the man she loved left her and yet he is happy while she is miserable. Even after all the time that has passed she is still in pain. Those parents touched my heart. Because I avoid love and till this day, even after 2 Years I am suffering. I am suffering, not of a broken heart, but of a broken soul. I want to be happy again and I want to fall in love. The song Will I Ever by Lyfe Jennings is a song that hits a soft spot in me right now. Because the song is how i feel now. Will I ever fall in love? Will I ever have someone beside me who will accept me, faults and all? Will I ever find that person for me? Or will I be alone forever? Will someone see the wall blocking the world from me and break it down just to see what is there? Because I think that is the problem. I don't believe I am worth loving. I don't believe in myself. I lack self confidence. It is like I am no human. I have a wall that keeps the world out and keeps me in. But I haven't found anyone that is willing to take a chance on me. I haven't found anyone who is willing to break through that wall and save me from my self confinement. That is all I am doing anyway. Putting myself in my own little world and blocking the rest out....It's funny how I know what is wrong with me and how I want to change but I wont change. Because if people can't accept me as I am than how do I know they will accept me when I am all better. There is that one quote that fits how I feel. If you can't accept me at my worst than you don't deserve me at my best.