Smile Princess is Confoosed...

i have been thinking a lot about religion. it's such an interesting subject. no one can really talk freely about it for fear of offending others. idk what my religion is anymore. my mom tells me to read the Bible but i don't want to. i believe that all those lessons we are supposed to read about i can learn through life. i can learn suffering, glory, humbleness, greed, passion and honesty. i can do it all because i believe that i am here doing what i do by the grace of God. I am here living and breathing and singing and learning because He meant me to be here. Religion is like a clique. And when clique's get into fights then people get hurt and i don't think that is right. my friend showed me that Catholicism is scary. she has ditched all her friends from school including me for it. She insulted me right to my face. She said she can't have fun with me and the rest of my friends because we are different from her prayer meeting friends. so that means me and my friends are inadequate and not worth it because we don't believe as she does...i dont think that is really fair. it kind of hurts to think about it that way. i can't look at it any other way because it makes no sense why she left us. maybe she does not realized how much she has hurt me and others but she has. do to others what you would want done to you. she hurt us so does she want us to hurt her? of course not. she wants us to be nice while she stabs us in the heart...
I have been thinking about my family a lot too. it's just me and my mom...lately my mom has not been coming home and it hurts...i feel abandoned, alone and scarred. my mom is all i have yet she is never around. she is not around for my break downs when everything is boiling over. she is not around when i am happy about a new song i learned. she is not around when i need her. i feel all wrong inside. i know that she is never home because she has to work and that she is doing it for me but i wish she would do less so that she can be home more often.
I am still having issues with my cousin. No one really knows the full story of what is going on inside me. i am so confused by how i feel. should i be ashamed, hurt, scared. i dont feel any of that because i love my cousin. he is my cousin after all. it is not fair. i want to be mad and i want to hate him but i cant because he is my cousin. i doubt i will ever tell anyone what is really going on with me but maybe one day i will be strong enough to do so. hahah. how fun. being so alone when there are so many people around. is it normal. i guess i am ranting right now about my issues. but a lot is going through my mind. it is all swirling around and it is interesting to see all my thoughts in such a blurr when i am the person who has to have everything organized or i go insane.
school is not really an issue anymore. well...when has it ever been right? i have always had an easy time in school and i guess i was hoping for more of a challenge my senior year.
i can talk about choir for hours. i love it! it is so much fun. i finally get to do what i really love. and that is sing. i love singing and i love to challenge my voice to do better. there is not limit to how good i can get so i guess that is why i love it. it is a never ending challenge. right now we are working on christmas music. we have just finished going through carol of the bells and now we are working on ding dong merrily on high. it is such a nice song. we got it down pretty fast but i think we still need work. i guess it is the one class where i can be myself. it is again because no one i know is there except bunny, jesus and destiny and even they dont know who i really am. but is is nice to just keep quiet for a an hour and just sing. it is better. i have never really liked conversing with people anyway. i would rather sing and do art. after all i am and intellectually, artistically, athletically gifted person. and it is always fun to tell people that because it means i am a nerd, artist and jock all at the same time!
I have set a bunch of goals for myself and i am planning on pulling through and succeeding. i have to do better so i can get into college. i have been wondering about love lately. i wonder when i will find love again. i mean it has been about 2 years since my ex hurt me but all i can really do now a days is look. i can't talk to people and tell them how i really feel. i always plan to but it never pulls through because i dont want to get hurt. i even wonder if i will ever get a happy ending. i sort of doubt it because i am so alone right now but hey, people always say: there is always a silver lining. but what if i am that one person who does not have that silver lining in the clouds....how lonely would that be...i guess it could be worse. i could be hurt on a constant basis, have no friends and be talentless...i want to fall in love...i guess i have to just sit tight and wait...