Smile Princess Pensive....

Ok....so i have been writing a lot in my journal and late at night i wake up and find i have problems to write down and i put it in my phone. I have been questioning my reality lately. It's insane to think about how much pain i let myself go through. It's stupid how i let everything affect me so much. But i guess i do that because its the only way i fell anything now. I am so used to being hurt that it just comes naturally to me now. It's never about why i have been hurt. I expect people to hurt me now but i dwell on the feelings that remain in my heart.

"It's stupid how u try to hard to fix d hurts. You pick up all d broken pieces and end up hurting yourself more. You end up with cuts on your hands. But you keep trying to pick up the broken pieces. You keep hurting yourself. No one sees the blood fall frm your hands. No one sees the tears you cry. And evn f they did, do you really think they'd care enought to help. NO! you try to make your world a better place. You work so hard making others happy and in d process you lose. You lose yourself, you lose your life, you lose your purpose. Everyone else is happy yet you still lose the game...ironic."

^ It's something i wrote into my phone one night. I couldn't sleep and started typing....and all of this came out. And i realized that it's true. I have tried too damn hard to help the world around me. I have tried to help my friends and family. I have tried so hard to ease their pains away and in the end i find that i have more pains than before. I help others only to take their sadness, pain, anguish, hatred. I take all this negative emotions in and what am i left with. I become more and more negative. On a constant basis i try to help those around me. Because of trying so hard i lose myself. I change myself for those around me. I lose my life. Because I lose my identity i lose the will to live. My purpose used to be so pure but now i dont know what my real purpose is.

When a friendship doesn't work i try my hardest to pick up the broken pieces and find myself hurting me. Somethings are perfectly fine being left broken. But i never leave anything broken. Not until i have fully broken myself. That is the only time that i realize that there is nothing left to fix of that shattered friendship. And when i finally realize that there is nothing left to fix, it is too late. It is too late to go back to my old self because i have hurt myself so much. I have left too many scars on my heart.

Right now my friends are not the people i count on. Right now i count on no one. Because right now there is no one worth taking a risk on. I have risked my heart with all my friends and most of them have left my heart shattered. But i deal with the people around me because no one wants to be alone. No one wants to be lonely. Especially me...I am deathly afraid of being alone...of loosing warmth. I'm scared. It's funny to think that i am scared because i was raised to be strong. I was raised to stand on my own two feet. I was raised to fight for myself. But i grew up acting like i am strong. I grew up acting like i can stand on my own to feet. I grew up acting like i can fight for myself. But in truth: i am scared....i am weak....i need someone to depend on...i need someone to lean on...i need someone to help me fight. I need a lot of support...but no one has the courage to stand up and say they will be my support. No one is strong enough to hold me together.

I still have Ice Prince in my heart. It's sad. Because my heart hurts everyday we don't see one another. My heart hurts when i dont speak to hime. My heart yearns to be near him. My mind tells me to leave his memory in the back of my mind but my heart wont listen. Ice Prince is the only person i have ever let in this deep. He is the only person that i have allowed to seen me weak. He is the only one that i have allowed to break me time and time again...and still let him come back into my life. The reason i let him come back into my life is because he doesn't know taht he hurts me. He doesn't know that he breaks my heart. He doesn't know he is the reason i smile everday and the reason i keep trusting people. He is the sun in my life right now. He is keeping me together without even knowing it. Actually i only realized he was all this to me right now. I turned my brain off and allowed myself to just type unconciously.

But even though he is all this positive in my life i still want to let go. I want to stand on my own. But again...i am afraid that if i let him go i will be too weak. I am afraid to let my sun go. I am afraid to let the boy i love go. And YES! i mean love. I never joke about love. I have loved him forever. Since the day he walked into my life. And even through all his faults i love him. Even though i know that he isn't the brightest person in the world, and even though i kno he has his own trust issues, even though i know he is not as determined as me, even though i know that he loves to play games more than do work i still love him. It's weird to say so because i doubt anyone really knows that. I doubt anyone knows that even through all his faults i still love him. Because he accepts me for who i am. He accepts me faults and all.

Religiously i have grown. I think that is all i can really say right now. God is the ever present light in my life. Even when you let go He finds a way to come back into your life. It does not matter to Him where you came from and what you have done. You just have to believe in Him. My favorite thing to remember now is this: "For all have sinned and fallen short from the glory of God." It comforts me. It reminds that no matter what has gone through in my life, no matter how broken i am, no matter who much i want to give up, no matter what i have done it is ok. Because someone accepts me no unconditionally and it is Him. Pure heart. That's what i want and that is what i will strive for. I will make Him proud of me. Because in the end no one else's opinion matters but His.

So i guess i have gotten a lot of my feelings out right now. I have let a lot out of my chest. I have allowed myself to speak of the things deep in me. I have allowed myself to let it out. It's up to the world whether or not they accept me or not. But in the end i care about no one but Him. He is my guide, my reason, my savior, my everything.