Smile Princess: SHAKEN

Today was fun. Well it started out fun. There wasn't a lot to do today in my classes and it's one of those days i got to relax. Until dress rehersal for the concert tomorrow. I had so many damn butterflies in my stomach that i forgot my lines. ^_^ During the run through of One, Herrera snapped. He started yelling at us and cursing at us all. He started talking about how people keep leaving for unimportant things like my interview yesterday. That was really uncalled for. That interview was very important. That interview could mean my future. But after his little venting moment it got better. I went through my song again and i did better.

I feel my song more. It holds a meaning to me that is very convoluted. It's a song that, through my eyes, isn't just about love but about everything. "On My Own" is perfect for me because i get it. I get what the character is trying to say. That she is on her own pretending someone is beside her. Pretending people notice and pretending everything is alright. I get that. I do that a lot lately. I pretend that things are alright...becuase that's the only thing i can do for the people around me. I can only pretend. I can slap a smile on my face, put on my mask for the day and live my life in lies. Because today i finally got proof of how bad things can get when you try to rely on people too much.

People get tired of you. People get tired of your problems, no matter how bad they seem to be. This one "friend" said he doesn't find anything i say emo because i don't do physical damage to myself. But in my head i would rather do physical damage than the damage i am doing. I am hurting myself psychologically. I am hurting myself emotionally. Because i am the type of person who holds it all in. I can't let go because it's hard. It's hard to let go of things that keep you alive. Even if the things that keep you alive are very negative. I am shaken to the core.

Actually...my "friend" even admitted he was tired of me. Tired of my negativity. It seems kind of unfair because he was worse than me. He talked about the world in such a dreary way that i used to feel helpless to his situation. I would try my best to help him, talk to him, help him see the positive things i saw. But now that i truly need him, now that i truly need someone to show me the positive, he can't be counted on. He's tired of me. He should have heard himself and the shit i went through over him. But that doesn't matter anymore. I can't do anything about it.

It's actually interesting to think of it as people getting tired of helping. I never seem to get tired. I help until i have damaged myself completely for the other person. Truth be told i see a lot of good around me. I see the music and art that create my world and make it beautiful. I see my surroundings in a way no one around me sees it. My world is full of color and music. Even the most ugliest of times holds a beauty for me. Because i know that through all the evil there is something good. When one door closes a window is opened. There is always good. NO MATTER WHAT!

My only issue is that a lot has gone on very recently that has really got me down. A lot has gone on that has made me question the good. Because a lot of good in my life has gone bad. You can ask anyone of the people that really know me. They can tell you that my way of thinking is very child like. I don't usually see the evil in people. It's just wrong ways of expressing yourself. People go through bad times. You should never trust a first impression because you never know what that person has been through in that day. You should always give people 20 first impressions until you make your final decision about them.

So this "friend" actually put a lot on my mind. He makes it seem like the only way for us to go back to the way it was is for me to lock away all the hurts and pains. To shut my mouth about all the things that bother me. I did that before and ended up hurting myself not just emotionally but physically as well. I still have scars. I doubt they will ever go away.

I am a natural introvert who is barely coming out of my shell...and now someone is telling me to go back into that shell. If this were a few years back i would have just gone back into my shell and made that person happy. Actually....i think i might just do that. I think i might just lock away all the aches and pains and just lie to everyone. I can tell everyone that life is perfect, life is grand that i am living it up. I do that already but i never thought i would have to do it for Glevin. But i will. To make him happy.

Today i am pretty shaken by the things Glevin has said becuase it's like a double standard. When he had issues i was there but now that i have issues he's tired of me. Ironic. Oh well. I am shaken pretty bad right now over the things that have happened today. First my choir director explodes, then Glevin explodes. Why is it ok for everyone to explode except for me. When i explode it's a crime against humanity. LOL

At least i had a pretty decent day today. All the shit that happened hasn't gotten me down completely. I actually enjoyed singing on stage and was praised by one of my peers. I did well in my classes today. I sold all my choir show tickets. I memorized my song. And instead of walking home by myself in the dark, my very good friend Bunny took me home. He's so cool. He seems to have my back a lot these days. I still have an issue with one of my freshmen but i doubt that will ever be solved. He's being to stubborn. I will give hime time. My other small freshman is in Vegas so i kinda miss him. It's weird not having him around bugging me. I will see him in 2 days. now i am tired. I am shaken to the core and i am tired and there are butterflies in my tummy. A pretty good day. ^_^