I seriously need to be numb...i can't sleep. i can't function. i feel suffocated. There is so much rushing through me right now. I think i broke myself. the meaning of life questions i had to do for AP English Lit has had me thinking and has had me in a depressed mood. the question is:
For what purpose do I exist?
In my response i explained that i think i am meant to help others. I am meant to live my life for those around me and i am meant to do something to help the greater good. I was created for a reason. The reason is to touch people's lives, save lives. Thus psychology is my chosen field of study. I can save others from themselves.
But if i am meant to live for others...that seems wrong.
I was watching TFC a few nights ago and there is a show about this little boy who has a special relationship with God. Because of this relationship he is very compassionate and though he is very young he helps people with grown up issues. He is loved by the people he helps.
A priest asked the question: why is it that this little boy helps everyone around him and makes everyone's lives better yet his issues cannot be resolved.
I said once that without suffering how would we know paradise. I feel like i am facing a test right now and that i am failing. In my journal i have been reading over my progressive dive into unhappy thoughts. Every time i write a new entry new feelings pop out. New confusions add to the old.
My heart is heavy with something. It's like there is lead in my heart and it is weighing it down. Now that there is 9 days of school left a lot has got me thinking and reminiscing. I look back on everything and cry. Right now my chest is hurting a lot and my heart feels like it is about to explode. It doesn't seem normal.
The closer i get to the end of high school the more i seem to be losing. Friends i used to love don't love me anymore. Things i used to care for don't matter to me much. I feel alone. I feel like someone has stabbed me in the heart and slit my throat just to make sure i die from these emotions. All the doors and windows are closing and there is no oxygen left in the room.
I think i have forgotten how to trust people. I think i have forgotten how to forgive people. I think i have forgotten how to let people in. I want to wake up one morning to someone calling or coming over just to say that the world has not forgotten me and that someone still cares. I don't care who, it could be anyone at this point...just to prove that kindness is still in the world. I want a friend, an enemy, a stranger, someone who will not get tired of me and my emotions to come along and tell me that though they don't fully understand what is going on they want to listen and help and cry with me and comfort me.
I honestly wish i didn't care so much about people. that way i dont feel anything. i wish i could be numb to the world. I wish there was something i could do so that i could be heartless. I wish there was a way for me to just never feel another emotion again. I wish there was a way for me to be completely heartless. no one would notice or care anyway.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Smile Princess: Venting
Posted by Smile Princess at 12:59 AM
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Smile Princess: REMINISCING/TIRED
It's hard to look back at everything that has passed by. The years that I spent on this earth, the years to come. It's hard to think right now. I keep looking back at all the good times. At all the happy moments with him. But that is over now. He don't love me no more. He don't feel the same. So why am I still stuck in the past. Why am I still stuck in the memory he left behind. Why is it that memories hold such a meaning for me. Why do I fool myself into thinking things can go back to the way they were.
I am tired of reminiscing. I am tired of looking back. Because everytime I look back the past makes my future seem bland. It feels as if I have used up all my happy moments in life and all that is left for me is misery. MAYBE I AM JUST OVERTHINKING THINGS.
But I'm tired of feeling like I am overthinking things cause I am not.
I am tired of feeling unwanted.
I am tired of the negativity.
I am tired of feeling abandoned.
I am tired of feeling unloved.
I am tired of feeling ugly.
I am tired of feeling used.
I am tired of being lied to.
I am tired of pretending.
I am tired of being forgotten.
I am tired of being the only one feeling in this relationship.
I am tired of feeling stupid.
I am tired of feeling sad.
I am tired of comparing my life to the past because the present is just not good enough.
I am tired of second guessing things.
I am tired of being the only one to care.
I am tired of this one sided relationship.
I am tired of this one sided love.
I am tired of feeling alone.
I am tired of texting back to an unfeeling person.
I am tired of lying to myself that things are ok.
I am tired of crying myself to sleep.
I am tired of putting on my mask to please others.
I am tired of feeling inadequate.
I am tired of feeling bothered.
I am tired of feeling worthless.
I am tired of feeling like I am cumbersome.
But most of all I am tired of feeling tired.
Posted by Smile Princess at 11:37 PM
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Smile Princess: DETERMINED
I have locked it all away. After finding out that someone has gotten tired of me i have locked it all away like i used to do. I have put all the feelings away and plastered a smile on my face. I am not so sure if this will work but idc. To make the world happy i will put it all away. All the things rushing through my brain. All the things beating at my heart. I will lock them up into a small corner and pretend like everything is ok. I will tell no one of the things i am going through. I will hide all my problems, even to myself. That way everyone will believe that i am ok.
I have been listenting to this song called "Letting Go" by Gary Valenciano. I like it. It kinda sums things up right now. I am ready to open up my heart to Him and only Him. Everyone can f**k themselves. Like i said. Everything locked away in a vault gaurded by demons and spirits and powers greater than any human can handle. But to Him, everything is obvious. I can hide nothing. I will let go of everything. Or, i will try to let go. For He knows what i am feeling.
I used to feel the emptiness inside me
Is not so hard to do
It's the heart that's got the will
To open up for Him to fill
And trusting and believing Him
Is all we've got to do
It's just the heart that's got to move
For Him to show
His love that's been there
Even when we never cared
Take hold of His hand
Let go and you'll understand
Is not so hard to do
It's the heart that's got the will
To open up for Him to fill
And trusting and believing Him
Is all we've got to do
It's just the heart that's got to move
For Him to show
His love that's been there
Even when we never cared
Take hold of His hand
Let go and you'll understand
Ok so those are the lyrics to the song. That is a song imma listen to tonight as i sleep. I want to let go of a lot of things....actually a lot of people. I want to let go of the people in my life that give me negative feelings. I want to bring those in my life that make me happy close.
So i guess i have a long list of protagonists....but i didn't name all the antagonists. If this were a story we are supposed to analyze in english lit this story would contain a lot of symbolism, imagery, negative connotations and convoluted moods.
Idk what else to say about my feelings right now...imma talk about the choir concert!
Ok so we had a really good concert. The first day was horrible. It took too long, we had a lot of mistakes. We started late, I messed up my song. The second night was awesome! We did good. Only 30 minutes late. We only had 1 mistake but Destiny pulled it off flawlessly. And it was faster then the first show. I also liked my solo. I did better. I was calm. I didn't mess up my lines. I looked ok since my ate R. did my hair. ^.^ i so love her!!!
Right now i am really tired so im going to sleep. goodbye to all the antagonists....i dnt wanna deal with them this weekend. I'm going to lock away all the hurts, pains, aches, negativety, sadness, depression and i will lock away all the joy, happiness, elation, calmness, and all the good. Because without suffering how do you know what paradise really is. So that means if i lock away the suffereing i must lock away paradise. I will do this because of that person who said he became tired of me. I will go back to trying to make everyone else happy. I don't matter anyway...right? But i am determined to lock it all away and make things better for everyone else...cuz it's never about me.....
Posted by Smile Princess at 11:31 PM
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Smile Princess: SHAKEN
Today was fun. Well it started out fun. There wasn't a lot to do today in my classes and it's one of those days i got to relax. Until dress rehersal for the concert tomorrow. I had so many damn butterflies in my stomach that i forgot my lines. ^_^ During the run through of One, Herrera snapped. He started yelling at us and cursing at us all. He started talking about how people keep leaving for unimportant things like my interview yesterday. That was really uncalled for. That interview was very important. That interview could mean my future. But after his little venting moment it got better. I went through my song again and i did better.
I feel my song more. It holds a meaning to me that is very convoluted. It's a song that, through my eyes, isn't just about love but about everything. "On My Own" is perfect for me because i get it. I get what the character is trying to say. That she is on her own pretending someone is beside her. Pretending people notice and pretending everything is alright. I get that. I do that a lot lately. I pretend that things are alright...becuase that's the only thing i can do for the people around me. I can only pretend. I can slap a smile on my face, put on my mask for the day and live my life in lies. Because today i finally got proof of how bad things can get when you try to rely on people too much.
People get tired of you. People get tired of your problems, no matter how bad they seem to be. This one "friend" said he doesn't find anything i say emo because i don't do physical damage to myself. But in my head i would rather do physical damage than the damage i am doing. I am hurting myself psychologically. I am hurting myself emotionally. Because i am the type of person who holds it all in. I can't let go because it's hard. It's hard to let go of things that keep you alive. Even if the things that keep you alive are very negative. I am shaken to the core.
Actually...my "friend" even admitted he was tired of me. Tired of my negativity. It seems kind of unfair because he was worse than me. He talked about the world in such a dreary way that i used to feel helpless to his situation. I would try my best to help him, talk to him, help him see the positive things i saw. But now that i truly need him, now that i truly need someone to show me the positive, he can't be counted on. He's tired of me. He should have heard himself and the shit i went through over him. But that doesn't matter anymore. I can't do anything about it.
It's actually interesting to think of it as people getting tired of helping. I never seem to get tired. I help until i have damaged myself completely for the other person. Truth be told i see a lot of good around me. I see the music and art that create my world and make it beautiful. I see my surroundings in a way no one around me sees it. My world is full of color and music. Even the most ugliest of times holds a beauty for me. Because i know that through all the evil there is something good. When one door closes a window is opened. There is always good. NO MATTER WHAT!
My only issue is that a lot has gone on very recently that has really got me down. A lot has gone on that has made me question the good. Because a lot of good in my life has gone bad. You can ask anyone of the people that really know me. They can tell you that my way of thinking is very child like. I don't usually see the evil in people. It's just wrong ways of expressing yourself. People go through bad times. You should never trust a first impression because you never know what that person has been through in that day. You should always give people 20 first impressions until you make your final decision about them.
So this "friend" actually put a lot on my mind. He makes it seem like the only way for us to go back to the way it was is for me to lock away all the hurts and pains. To shut my mouth about all the things that bother me. I did that before and ended up hurting myself not just emotionally but physically as well. I still have scars. I doubt they will ever go away.
I am a natural introvert who is barely coming out of my shell...and now someone is telling me to go back into that shell. If this were a few years back i would have just gone back into my shell and made that person happy. Actually....i think i might just do that. I think i might just lock away all the aches and pains and just lie to everyone. I can tell everyone that life is perfect, life is grand that i am living it up. I do that already but i never thought i would have to do it for Glevin. But i will. To make him happy.
Today i am pretty shaken by the things Glevin has said becuase it's like a double standard. When he had issues i was there but now that i have issues he's tired of me. Ironic. Oh well. I am shaken pretty bad right now over the things that have happened today. First my choir director explodes, then Glevin explodes. Why is it ok for everyone to explode except for me. When i explode it's a crime against humanity. LOL
At least i had a pretty decent day today. All the shit that happened hasn't gotten me down completely. I actually enjoyed singing on stage and was praised by one of my peers. I did well in my classes today. I sold all my choir show tickets. I memorized my song. And instead of walking home by myself in the dark, my very good friend Bunny took me home. He's so cool. He seems to have my back a lot these days. I still have an issue with one of my freshmen but i doubt that will ever be solved. He's being to stubborn. I will give hime time. My other small freshman is in Vegas so i kinda miss him. It's weird not having him around bugging me. I will see him in 2 days. now i am tired. I am shaken to the core and i am tired and there are butterflies in my tummy. A pretty good day. ^_^
Posted by Smile Princess at 10:40 PM
Monday, March 23, 2009
Smile Princess: HELPLESS -_-
Empty Frames- Ne-Yo
Hmmm
I can feel the raindrops
slowly falling and
they calling for
they keep calling for
my knight in shining armour
come and save me
cause im drowning in pain
ive been hurt by his mistakes
so come and take me away
i put him first
i thought he'd stay
but he couldn't weather the storm
so he left me the rain
over time, pictures fade
all thats left are these empty frames
sleepless nights, and stormy days
i've got proof that people change
and all thats left are these empty frames
all thats left are these empty...
can you hear these teardrops
in my pillow? they keep falling cause
i kept falling for your dozen thorny roses
now im bleeding
and im lonely again
now im hurt
it's my mistake
i should have known right away
i put him first
i thought he'd stay
but he couldn't weather the storm
so he left me the rain
over time, pictures fade
all thats left are these empty frames
sleepless nights, and stormy days
i've got proof that people change
long after the smiles all fade away
all this endless pain
all this empty space
sleepless nights, and stormy days
i've got proof that people change
over time, pictures fade
and all thats left are these empty frames
over time, pictures fade
all thats left are these empty frames
sleepless nights, and stormy days
all thats left are these empty...
over time, pictures fade
and all thats left are these empty frames
sleepless nights, and stormy days
i've got proof that people change
all thats left are these empty frames
all thats left are these empty frames
A really good song that represents a lot in me right now. I think it's a good song sung in a perspective of things don't always go right and people change. Some people can't handle the downs in a loved one's life and so they leave. I have that issue right now. Specially with that one friend from far away (he lives in a place with a stores name). I never gave him a nickname for this thingy. I guess its cause he puts no importance in me so i try not to put importance on him. His nickname shall be....ummm....i was thinking another rendition of his name but idk. Glevin? sounds weird. oh well. so the story: I was there when he was all emo and crying on the phone. I was there to talk to him at all hours of the night. Because of him my heart was broken. Because of him i went through a lot of pain. But now it's like our friendship does not matter anymore. Now that i need someon to talk to at funky hours of the night and now taht i need a shoulder to lean on suddenly he is too busy. I wasn't too busy before but i should have realized that all people are like him. People talk to you so much when they need a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to about their problems. But when you have a problem suddenly the person who you have been comforting is too busy. To busy to fix the relationship, the friendship, to busy to fix things because he lies to himself saying that there is nothing wrong. BUT THERE IS!!!
I am the one saying me and him have a problem in our relationship, he is the one proving that we do. Funny right. Not really. But it is ironic that even from hundreds of miles away he is just like the people surrounding me. ^^ Even after all the promises, the important conversations, the secrets i have only told him about my issues, the things he has told me. It's that easy to forget a person like me. NO!
That CANNOT be true. Because if it were so easy to forget me then a lot of people would easily forget me. Like my Kuya R. And Ate A. Ate R. And Ice Prince. They would all have forgotten about me. And they haven't Ice Prince txts me all the time and all my "siblings" are always hanging out with me and telling me how much they love me.
But its not the same as Glevin...haha weird nickname. It will due until i figure out whether he is a protagonist or an antagonist...but i am leaning towards d latter. Anyway, it's not the same with him because i have told him things that i have told no one. Like my issues with that one dude in my place. Like why i am so negative. Like why i am so me. I thought that through all those nights that we talked for hours he would get me better but guess not. ^^ wateva. I am not important to him thus he is not important to me. I am helpless to this relationship.
So anyway. I have actually had a good day today. There was only the interview to deal with. It was easy. Most adults adore me so it's not a problem. Then I went to my choir tech rehersal because our concert is on Wednesday and Thursday. Imma get d Ninja or Kat to record my solo. I will be singing On My Own from Les Miserable. Lea Salonga sang that song so i have to do it justice, for my Filipina Pryd!
I did not go to Badminton Practice because of my interviews and the rehersal. Tomorrow i will not go as well becuase i have to deal with dress rehersals again. Then on Wednesday we have a game against Bassett. I have to run from the game to the show. On thursday it will be easy. I just get ready and do the show then go home. But thursday is the day that everyone i love will be watching. ^^ I have to do good so that they will be proud of me. I am so ready.
I have done my HW. I have checked my myspace. I have watched Tayong Dalawa and loved every minute of it. I have been singing for hours and am finally gonna rest my voice. I actually came on to write about a story we read in class. So here goes my little synopsis of it:
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
So the story starts off witha scene that deals with a boat and a heavy storm. The commander of the ship is supposed to get the boat and the plane on the boat, plus all the people on the ship through it. Suddently Mitty is introduced as a man who is driving his car and is being nagged by his wife to slow down because he is drivin at 50mph.
Most of the story goes on like this. Mitty has a dull, average, mundane life. He is old, weak and is controlled by his mother-like wife. Through one dull average day the most mundane things trigger insane fantasies. Things that portray Mitty as the hero, rogue, dare-devil, non-chalante type guy. And that is the part i wanted to talk about. How people are often told to stop being such a Mitty (one who day dreams too much or fantasizes too much). I think i am guilty of being a Walter Mitty. During class when i am not paying attention i imagine so many great things for myself, being the hero of my fantasies, being the best singer ever, being the smartest. It's like a double life. Because I only have one Fantasy that i live on a daily basis. It's something that re-occurs a lot.
In my head i am adopted but i know who my real family is. I have great brother's and sisters who love me and care for me. I have a twin, if he were a girl we would look pretty identical. My real family is very talented, they sing, dance, play instruments and they are all smart and mature. I have a real group of friends who love to sing and create music. They are loyal and they understand the things that i have gone through and seen in life. They are patient with me and my issues becuase they know that for someone so young i have suffered a lot. I have suffered more than a normal 17 year old girl should suffer. Everday me and my fantasy world live out my life in a different way. Instead of sitting with my reality friends i sit with my fantasy friends. Instead of singing with the school choir i am in my little world in a friends studio singing with them.
That is pretty much my fantasy. The perfect family, the perfect friends, the perfect me. But in reality my world is not that amazing, I have a broken family, I have messed up friends (i.e Glevin, Crazy, Diva) and i am so far from perfect it's pathetic. It's different to live my life in reality. I wish a fairy god-mother would appear and grant me one wish. I would wish i could relly live out my fantasy world. I wish my fantasy world were reality instead of the reality i live in. Because in truth, fantasy is better than reality. Dreams are better than the real world. And that is why i am so damn helpless to the world around me. Because reality leaves you vulnerable, weak and helpless.
Posted by Smile Princess at 10:49 PM
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Smile Princess Pensive....
Ok....so i have been writing a lot in my journal and late at night i wake up and find i have problems to write down and i put it in my phone. I have been questioning my reality lately. It's insane to think about how much pain i let myself go through. It's stupid how i let everything affect me so much. But i guess i do that because its the only way i fell anything now. I am so used to being hurt that it just comes naturally to me now. It's never about why i have been hurt. I expect people to hurt me now but i dwell on the feelings that remain in my heart.
"It's stupid how u try to hard to fix d hurts. You pick up all d broken pieces and end up hurting yourself more. You end up with cuts on your hands. But you keep trying to pick up the broken pieces. You keep hurting yourself. No one sees the blood fall frm your hands. No one sees the tears you cry. And evn f they did, do you really think they'd care enought to help. NO! you try to make your world a better place. You work so hard making others happy and in d process you lose. You lose yourself, you lose your life, you lose your purpose. Everyone else is happy yet you still lose the game...ironic."
^ It's something i wrote into my phone one night. I couldn't sleep and started typing....and all of this came out. And i realized that it's true. I have tried too damn hard to help the world around me. I have tried to help my friends and family. I have tried so hard to ease their pains away and in the end i find that i have more pains than before. I help others only to take their sadness, pain, anguish, hatred. I take all this negative emotions in and what am i left with. I become more and more negative. On a constant basis i try to help those around me. Because of trying so hard i lose myself. I change myself for those around me. I lose my life. Because I lose my identity i lose the will to live. My purpose used to be so pure but now i dont know what my real purpose is.
When a friendship doesn't work i try my hardest to pick up the broken pieces and find myself hurting me. Somethings are perfectly fine being left broken. But i never leave anything broken. Not until i have fully broken myself. That is the only time that i realize that there is nothing left to fix of that shattered friendship. And when i finally realize that there is nothing left to fix, it is too late. It is too late to go back to my old self because i have hurt myself so much. I have left too many scars on my heart.
Right now my friends are not the people i count on. Right now i count on no one. Because right now there is no one worth taking a risk on. I have risked my heart with all my friends and most of them have left my heart shattered. But i deal with the people around me because no one wants to be alone. No one wants to be lonely. Especially me...I am deathly afraid of being alone...of loosing warmth. I'm scared. It's funny to think that i am scared because i was raised to be strong. I was raised to stand on my own two feet. I was raised to fight for myself. But i grew up acting like i am strong. I grew up acting like i can stand on my own to feet. I grew up acting like i can fight for myself. But in truth: i am scared....i am weak....i need someone to depend on...i need someone to lean on...i need someone to help me fight. I need a lot of support...but no one has the courage to stand up and say they will be my support. No one is strong enough to hold me together.
I still have Ice Prince in my heart. It's sad. Because my heart hurts everyday we don't see one another. My heart hurts when i dont speak to hime. My heart yearns to be near him. My mind tells me to leave his memory in the back of my mind but my heart wont listen. Ice Prince is the only person i have ever let in this deep. He is the only person that i have allowed to seen me weak. He is the only one that i have allowed to break me time and time again...and still let him come back into my life. The reason i let him come back into my life is because he doesn't know taht he hurts me. He doesn't know that he breaks my heart. He doesn't know he is the reason i smile everday and the reason i keep trusting people. He is the sun in my life right now. He is keeping me together without even knowing it. Actually i only realized he was all this to me right now. I turned my brain off and allowed myself to just type unconciously.
But even though he is all this positive in my life i still want to let go. I want to stand on my own. But again...i am afraid that if i let him go i will be too weak. I am afraid to let my sun go. I am afraid to let the boy i love go. And YES! i mean love. I never joke about love. I have loved him forever. Since the day he walked into my life. And even through all his faults i love him. Even though i know that he isn't the brightest person in the world, and even though i kno he has his own trust issues, even though i know he is not as determined as me, even though i know that he loves to play games more than do work i still love him. It's weird to say so because i doubt anyone really knows that. I doubt anyone knows that even through all his faults i still love him. Because he accepts me for who i am. He accepts me faults and all.
Religiously i have grown. I think that is all i can really say right now. God is the ever present light in my life. Even when you let go He finds a way to come back into your life. It does not matter to Him where you came from and what you have done. You just have to believe in Him. My favorite thing to remember now is this: "For all have sinned and fallen short from the glory of God." It comforts me. It reminds that no matter what has gone through in my life, no matter how broken i am, no matter who much i want to give up, no matter what i have done it is ok. Because someone accepts me no unconditionally and it is Him. Pure heart. That's what i want and that is what i will strive for. I will make Him proud of me. Because in the end no one else's opinion matters but His.
So i guess i have gotten a lot of my feelings out right now. I have let a lot out of my chest. I have allowed myself to speak of the things deep in me. I have allowed myself to let it out. It's up to the world whether or not they accept me or not. But in the end i care about no one but Him. He is my guide, my reason, my savior, my everything.
Posted by Smile Princess at 8:14 PM
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Smile Princess' Ghosts
How long does it have to last, this lonely feeling inside?
How long do I have to suffer, for what I've done in the past?
This empty feeling haunts me, the ghost that follows me round.
I'm lost in constant darkness, never to be found.
While I look around this empty room, I find people filled with smiles.
I am in constant shadows, while they're basking in the light.
Now as I drown in misery, I scream out with all my might.
But, all these people pass me by, sadly they don't even try.
So what do I do when the world tuns it's back?
The answer seems very clear:
I must learn to trust in no one else, for no one ever stays...
Things have changed,
The friendship didn't last,
I know it sucks,
We fell apart,
There's really nothing left,
I know it's dumb,
But I must say,
I knew this would ensue,
Nothing ever lasts,
No on ever stays,
Sadly not even you,
I never trust,
Cuz I'm always left,
Left with all the pain,
I took a chance,
And as I fall,
I say goodbye to you.
Posted by Smile Princess at 10:29 PM